The Psychiatrist Appointment
by cherrydust
Summary: This has been called 'hysterical' by numerous reviews and I wanna see what others think! Title is self-explanatory, ne? PG for cussing and slight shonen-ai. *Note! This is the revised addition!*


She was going to kill Lucrezia Noin when she got back; it was such a stupid idea to take the guys to a psychiatrist

She was going to kill Lucrezia Noin when she got back; it was such a stupid idea to take the guys to a psychiatrist. Now they were pissed at her and she hadn't done anything. Catherine's lax schedule at the circus had made her the only available one to drive the guys to their first psychiatrist appointment. Catherine had an idea that the psychiatrist would be the one needing a shrink by the end of the appointments.

~In the back seats~

"Why are we going there again?" Duo Maxwell whined. Long car trips and extensive Gameboy use made him edgy.

"To find out why you insist on wearing your hair in that absurd fashion," Wufei Chang said dryly, as he delicately ran a blade of a knife along his seat belt. It almost cut through and Wufei went back to sharpening it.

"Aw, you're just jealous because my hair's sexier than yours," Duo said.

"Hardly," Wufei snorted and tested his knife again. "Almost perfect."

"We shouldn't be fighting at all!" Quatre Reberba Winner whimpered and glanced at his best friend, Trowa Barton for back up.

"You're upsetting Quatre," Trowa said patted Quatre's shoulder comfortingly.

"How come you only talk to defend Quatre," Duo responded. Trowa glared at Duo and Quatre giggled happily.

"Giggling is weak," Wufei said and cut through his seat belt with his knife. "Finally! I have sharpened my blade to perfection!"

"Hello Heero," Relena Peacecraft purred, blinking her eyes at Heero Yuy in a ridiculous fashion. 

"D'you got something in your eye?" Duo asked and 'helpfully' swatted her eye with the end of his braid.

"How the hell did you get here Relena?" Heero asked emotionlessly as he shoved Relena's hand off of his.

"I followed you of course! You know what the doctor's prescription is going to be? That you marry me!" Relena chirped brightly and tried to hug Heero. Heero shot into the front seat so fast, he was a green blur.

"Are we there YET?" Duo demanded, losing interest in pulling Relena's hair.

"Uh-huh. I'll be back to pick you up in a few hours! See ya!" Catherine sped out of there so quickly the tires left marks on the concrete.

"I guess she thinks hospitals are depressing," Duo marked as the others started up the stairs with him.

~In the waiting room~

"And Quatre Reberba Winner," Quatre said pleasantly to the young receptionist as he finished signing them in. "And we had a tag-a-long, Relena Peacecraft."

"Gotcha," The receptionist snapped her gum and waved to the waiting room. "Y'all can wait here for the doctor."

Duo sauntered over to the desk and winked at her, "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" He winked cheekily at her.

The receptionist blinked up at him and said sweetly, "No, but I bet you could tell me."

"Is Duo hitting on the receptionist?" Heero snorted in disgust.

"Of course. If it's alive and in a skirt, Duo will hit on it," Trowa responded.

"AAA! We're going to be speaking to a WOMAN?" Wufei yelled. He had wandered over to the wall where a bunch of certificates hung. All read Dr. Marilyn Reese.

"Ooh, is she single and sexy?" Duo asked. The receptionist shot him a dirty look and turned back to her computer. Seeing he was losing her interest, he added, "Is she as sexy as you, babe? 'Cause I don't think anything's as sexy as you." The receptionist smiled back up at him.

Quatre yelped and dropped the magazine he had been flipping through. "What's wrong, Quatre-chan?" Trowa asked, picking up the magazine Quatre had been looking at.

"They-they talk about _sex_," Quatre whispered the last word as if it was the dirtiest, evilest, foulest word in the world.

"Speaking of sex," Duo said, smiling at the receptionist seductively.

Relena smiled in what she thought was a charming way (she looked like dead fish that had been pecked to death) at Heero. "Heero, do you think I'm hot?"

"No," Heero answered shortly and picked up a magazine. Raising an eyebrow, he said, "Now wonder it talked about sex. These are all _Redbook_ magazines."

Just then a tall woman with graying blond hair walked in and said shortly, "I'm ready for my first patient."

The receptionist glanced at her computer screen, "That would be Trowa Barton."

Trowa stood up and followed her into the hall and into and office. Out in the waiting room he heard Duo yell, "Let's play strip poker!"

~In the office~

"All right, I'm going to do some tests and ask you some questions, okay?" the doctor said and sat down, gesturing to the seat in front of her. Trowa sat and stared at her.

"Okay, first of all let's do the inkblot test. I'll hold up a card with an inkblot on it and you tell me what first comes to mind when you see it. Now then," Dr. Reese held up the first card.

"Black ink."

"Okay," she scribbled something down.

"Navy blue ink."

"Mmm-hmmm." Scribble scribble.

"Black ink with a tendency towards brown at the edges."

"Uh-okay." The doctor laid the cards down and said, "Now I'm going to say a word and you tell me what first comes to mind."

"Love."

"Quatre."

"Family."

"The others."

"Sexual."

"Quatre."

The doctor coughed before saying, "Work."

"Heavyarms."

"Lips."

"Words.'

"Hands."

"Handshake."

"Peace."

"Quiet.

"War."

"Pain."

"All right, that's enough of that. Now, why don't you tell me a little about you're life?" Dr. Reese added more to her scribblings.

"I was born and it was to late to give me back."

"Ah, well, then why don't we go join the group?" Dr. Reese said and stood. Trowa followed suit and headed back into the waiting room.

~In the waiting room~

A shocking site met Trowa and the doctor's eyes. The guys, Relena and the receptionist were sitting in a circle all in various stages of undressing. Heero and Wufei were shirtless, Quatre was sockless (Wimp!), Duo was in his boxers and the receptionist and Relena were fully clothed, minus their jewelry (Wimpier wimps!). "Um, Quatre, its your turn," Trowa said. The six card players looked up guiltily. Quatre pulled on his shoes and socks, and jumped up cheerfully. 

"Hey Trowa, you can take Quatre's place. We finally got him to bet his shirt," Duo said as Trowa sat down.

"Would you believe they wouldn't let me bet my shoelaces?" Quatre asked in an injured tone as he followed the doctor.

"AAA!" Everyone yelled. It appeared Duo had just lost that round and had paid his bet with a flourish.

~In the office~

"Okay, inkblot one."

"Sunshine and flowers!"

"Hearts and flowers!"

"Smiles and flowers!" Quatre cried enthusiastically as the doctor laid down the final card. "This game is fun! What next?"

"Love?"

"Trowa and flowers."

"Family?"

"The others, my sisters, the Magunacs, and flowers."

"Sexual?"

"Trowa and flowers."

"Work?"

"Sandrock and flowers."

"Lips?"

"Smiles and flowers."

"Hands?"

"Clapping and flowers."

"Peace?"

"Happiness and flowers."

"War?"

"Pain and no flowers."

"Would you like to tell me about your life?"

"My sisters tried to turn me into a girl and then I learned how to pilot a Gundam and retaliated. Then I was in a war and went psycho. And then I met Trowa and I became sane again."

Dr. Reese coughed, "Ahem, er okay, so you like Trowa and flowers?"  
"Love, not like," Quatre corrected.

"Ah yes, how silly of me. What say we go join the others?"  
~In the waiting room~

"Jer-ry, Jer-ry!" Duo yelled as Wufei and Relena's argument grew louder and more violent, at least on Relena's part. Wufei refused to touch her although he kept yelling enough insults to make up for that.

"You stupid, baka, onna! You did SO try to play Footsie with me!"

"I did NOT you big jerk! I was playing Footsie with HEERO!"

"Heero is in the bathroom, you deranged home-wrecking onna!"

"What do you MEAN home-wrecking?"  
"You're destroying Heero's life and everyone else's in the process!"

"Heero loves me! He's just to shy to say anything!" Relena screamed.

"Um, Wufei?" It's your turn," Quatre yelled over the noise.

"Oh, is it?" Wufei said calmly and wrenched his arm out of Relena's range (she had been trying to inflict pain on him). "I'm ready."

~In the office~

"A woman serving a man, the supreme ruler of the world and universe."

"A woman bowing to a man, the supreme ruler of the world and universe."

"(Gulp) Nataku."

The doctor scribbled on her notepad and said, "Love?"

"A weak feeling."

"Family?"

"Weak people."

"Sexual?"

"A weak feeling."

"Work?"

"Something only the strong can do."

"Lips?"

"Words of justice."

"Hands?"

"Servers of justice."

"Peace?"

"A weak period in history."

"War?"

"Pain and strength."

"Would you like to tell me about your life?"

"I was born a scholar. I got married. My wife died. I became a warrior and server of justice. And now I'm here talking to a weak woman." Wufei glared at the doctor who calmly wrote something in her notes.

"Oh yes, and your friend Duo wanted me to ask you something. What role does a certain Sally Po play in your life?"

"MAXWELL! KISAMA!" Wufei grabbed his sword and ran charging out of the office, the doctor following in his wake.

~In the waiting room~

"Yeesh, Wu-man calm down! It was a JOKE! Whoa, watch where you swing that thing!"

"Come down and fight like a man, you weakling!" Wufei had Duo cornered up on a tall filing cabinet and was swinging his sword at Do's feet.

"Yes, do come down Mr. Maxwell. It's your turn," Dr. Reese said dryly.

"Save me!" Duo screamed as Wufei's sword sliced a centimeter of his braid off. 

"Damn, I missed him!" Wufei snapped angrily.

Duo charged into the doctor's office.

~In the office~

"My braid."

"Wufei turning into a girl."

"Me and my braid conquering Wufei-turned-girl."

The doctor coughed and said quickly, "Love."

"Sex and my braid."

"Family."

"The others and my braid."

"Sexual?"

"Me and my braid."

"Work?"

"Braiding my hair."

"Lips?"

"Kiss and my braid.'

"Hands?"

"Pleasure and braiding my hair."

"Peace?"

"Having Hilde braid my hair."

"War?"

"Pain and me being braid less (Shudder)."

"Ah, would you like to tell me about your life?"

"I was born and grew long hair. Then I discovered braids and its been my life ever since." Duo fingered his infamous braid lovingly. "Aaa! Split-ends! I need Wufei's knife to trim it!" Duo charged out of the office. "Wufei, hey Wufei! Can I use your knife?"

~In the waiting room~

"Mr. Yuy, you can not enter the office until you out the gun down," Dr. Reese said patiently. 

"Don't make me set off my bomb," Heero said darkly.

"You won't intimidate me with suicide threats."

"Who said anything about suicide? That bomb will blow you all to kingdom come. I will of course, survive, being the Perfect Solider I am."

"Death threats will not sway me."

Heero used the patented Yuy Death Glare on her. "Omae o korosu."

"Very well. Follow me."

"Heero! Don't leave me!" Relena threw herself at Heero's feet.

"Go to hell," Heero said and kicked her off unfeelingly. Trowa and Quatre held her back as Heero followed the doctor.

~In the office~

"Guns."

"Bombs and other explosives."

"Relena's bloody and brutal death."

Dr. Reese examined her notes, and then said, "Love?"

"Never heard of it."

"Family?"

"Never heard of it."

"Sexual?"

"Duo's Playboy subscription."

"Work?"

"Being the Perfect Solider."

"Lips?"

"Death threats."

"Hands?"

"Trigger-pullers."

"Peace?"

"Never heard of it."

"War?"

"Pain."

Dr. Reese groaned inwardly and asked, "Would you like to tell me about your life?"

"What life?"

"That's an interesting response. Why do you feel you have no life"?

"I'm the Perfect Solider. That takes a lot of work and doesn't leave any spare time for a social life or any other kind of life. If you don't let me leave now, I'll send you straight to hell."

"I've already been there and back." Heero blinked at her, then stormed out of the office.

~In the waiting room~

"Oh Heero! You've come back to me!" Relena jumped up and threw herself dramatically at Heero. Heero stepped on her on his way to the water fountain. 

"Heero, didn't you miss me?" Relena sniffed, dragging herself over to the water fountain and glomping him.

"No."

"What did you tell her about our relationship?"

"Nothing, since we don't have one."

"You're in denial," Relena said and blew him a kiss as Wufei and Duo dragged her into the psychiatrist's office.

~In the office~

"Me and Heero getting married."

"Me and Heero ruling the world."

"Me and Heero ruling the universe."

Dr. Reese raised an eyebrow at her, scribbled and said, "Love?"

"Heero."

"Family?"

"Heero."

"Sexual?"

"Heero."

"Work?"

"Stalking Heero."

"Lips?"

"Kissing Heero."

"Hands?"

"Glomping Heero."

"Peace?"

"Part of Heero's future surname."

"War?"

"Heero, the Perfect Solider."

Dr. Reese's eyebrows almost hit her hair line as she wrote down more notes, before saying, "What can you tell me about your life?"

" I spend my days thinking about Heero. Talking about Heero. Planning to marry Heero. Picking names for our kids. Talking about Heero. Talking to Heero. Getting in Heero's way. Stalking Heero. Planning how to kill all his crazed fans so I don't have any competition. Planning our wedding. Planning our wedding night-," Relena stopped and shrieked. "Why am I telling YOU this? I need my Hee-chan!" Relena ran out of the room screaming, "Heero! Heero, I love you! Heero, marry me! Heero do anything to me you want!"

The doctor shook her head. "Poor girl. I'll have to have her committed sooner or later."

~In the waiting room~

Relena was glomping Heero who was trying to kill her. Duo was trying to hit on the receptionist again and having little success. Quatre was talking to Trowa who was staring into space and ignoring him. Wufei was meditating in a corner. The doctor was trying unsuccessfully to get their attention. 

Finally when she screamed, 'I've got food!" did everyone look at her. The doctor, clam now that she had their attention, said, "A lunch is being served in the cafeteria if you would like something to eat before the second session of your therapy. It's a group therapy session, just so you know."

Everyone stared at each blankly for a moment, and then began a mad dash to the cafeteria. 

~In the cafeteria~

"Mmm, this GREEN APPLE is so YUMMY!" Relena yelled biting into it with relish. Heero ignored her and began stabbing the pizza Duo had insisted he try on his plate.

"Trowa! How can you eat that hamburger? An animal had to DIE for that quarter-pound of meat on your plate! Now, aren't you ashamed of yourself? Here, try some of this fruit salad." Quatre threw Trowa's plate in the trash and placed some of his own fruit onto Trowa's now empty plate. Trowa gazed helplessly after his hamburger.

"How come you're not eating Wu-man? The food isn't THAT bad!" Duo said, slurping down his third milkshake.

Wufei, who had watched Duo eat a pizza, three hamburgers, a bowl of spaghetti, five meatballs, three cartons of fries, seven baked potatoes and drink three milkshakes, said looking a little green, "They didn't have any rice or tea." 

Duo shrugged, "Your loss. Hey, would you lend me some cash? I want to buy some ice cream and I'm a little short of money-,"

Wufei shoved the money at Duo. "Please. Buy all the food you can with this and eat it far away from me."

"Really? Awesome, thanks Wufei!" With an elated grin, Duo walked back over to the snack counter.

~In the group session room~

"All right, now that you've all refreshed yourselves with some food and drink, let's begin the second part of our session." Dr. Reese said and sat down in the first of a circle of chairs. "I'd like for you all to choose a seat so we can begin."

"You crummy bastard, get out of the way! I wanna sit next to Heero!" Relena yelled at Quatre. Quatre turned pale and hurriedly moved out of the way. Everyone else found a seat without much argument.

"Okay, this is a chance for you to air problems and disagreements you've had in the past. If someone asks you a question, you must answer truthfully. Everything said in this room is confidential and isn't to go past the four walls. Understood?" The six nodded. "Just pretend I'm not here. Quatre, would you like to start?"

"Me?" Quatre looked terrified. "I don't have any problems!"

"I think you do. From my notes, you seem to have an odd association with flowers," Dr. Reese said seriously.

"I do NOT have an odd association with flowers! FLOWERS KICK ASS!" Quatre screamed. Everybody stared in shock. Quatre had cussed and screamed-who'd had ever thought they'd see the day?

"As long as we're registering complaints," Duo said, the familiar grin spreading across his face, "I have a serious problem with Wufei. Why the hell won't you braid your hair?"

"Braids are weak things only women indulge in," Wufei said, glaring at Duo.

"Why do you hate women so much?" Duo persisted in a wheedling tone. "Is it because you're gay? Or is it because you don't succeed when you hit on 'em?"

"I AM NOT GAY!" Wufei screamed and grabbed his sword out of nowhere. "AND I DO NOT 'HIT' ON WOMEN! KISAMA!" Duo squealed and ran out of the room, Wufei close on his heels.

The doctor coughed and said, "Well, then, that certainly was a productive discussion. Does anyone else have any problems they'd like to discuss?"

"I do!" Relena squealed and wrapped her arms around Heero as she said, "Why can't you asked me to marry you Heero?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH THAT CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR ALL I CARE!" Heero screamed and pointed his gun at her, "Omae o korosu!"

"No need for such foul language, Mr. Yuy," the doctor said calmly.

"If you don't have her committed, I'm gonna KILL HER! JUST SEE IF I DON'T!" Heero yelled.

"Ah, yes that brings me to my next topic before you leave. Miss Peacecraft, I'm terribly sorry, but your obsessive behavior over Heero Yuy has gone from an innocent crush into obsessive insanity. We will have to admit you into the mentally disturbed ward," Dr. Reese said seriously.

Heero fell to his knees and spreading his arms wide open, looked up at the heavens and said, "Duo was right. There is a God!" (Imagine a light shining on Heero, and angels singing 'Alleluia').

"NO! I DON'T WANNA LEAVE MY HEE-CHAN!" Relena screeched in an earsplitting wail. Everybody winced and somewhere the sound of breaking glass reached their ears. Dr. Reese put her fingers to her mouth and blew a loud whistle. Four men in white uniforms came and each grasped Relena by a limb as they carried her out of the group session room. A second later Duo and Wufei ran back in the room, each wearing ear-to-ear grins.

"Is this a dream? Or did we just see four men in white walk by carrying a screaming Relena away?" Duo asked eagerly.

"It's a reality," Heero said seriously. "You were right about there being a God."

"YES!" Duo yelled and slapped a high-five with everyone in the room. "Relena's gone forever!" After a moment, everybody else joined in the joyous cheer.

"YAY! RELENA'S GONE FOREVER!"

~In the waiting room~

Dr. Reese stood in a corner talking to Catherine in a hushed voice. The boys were threatening and arguing in their usual happy way. "Trowa has a severe communicating disorder, I think that group therapy would be best for him. Quatre seems to have very bitter feelings about being the only boy in his family, I think just some counseling will be best for him. Wufei seems to have an odd obsession with justice and he seems to feel inferior to women although he acts like he does not. I suggest he spend some personal time with women and learn that we are only human too. Duo is much too attached to his braid; I think it might be a 'substitute parent' since he lost his at such a young age. I suggest you cut it off and that he goes to some peer counseling. Heero is much too violent for a boy his age; he should spend a week at our guidance camp. And sadly, we had to commit Relena to the mentally disturbed ward," Dr. Reese finished.

Catherine grinned, "Wufei thinks he's inferior to women and Duo needs to cut his braid off? And you're going to make Heero go to a camp for weapon-abusers? Ooh, we ought to send them to the psychiatrists more often!" 

"HAHAHA! DIE MAXWELL, DIE!" 

"Uh-oh. Do you think I could make a weekly appointment for them?" Catherine asked, before she rushed to Duo's aide.

The doctor smiled slowly as Catherine pulled the hysterically laughing Wufei off of the sobbing Duo. "I'm gonna get rich off these loonies," she said with happy sigh.

~A week later~

Trowa won't shut up, Quatre has started calling women weak, Wufei is sobbing over every little thing, Duo is trying to braid his new buzz cut and Heero is packing to go to Camp Happiness. Relena is locked up in a straight jacket, in a padded room where she mutters incessantly, "Heero, Heero, Heero." Needless to say, there are many more psychiatrist appointments waiting for them in the near future. 


End file.
